Haven't blogged a lot lately. Been writing in a paper journal for my eyes only. It's appropriate given the changes I'm about to make that I would focus on myself. Going to a new town alone, not knowing anyone except my future coworkers... I need to be self-sufficient. But I feel the loss of the people I'll be leaving behind.
I have moved away from people in spirit, when the tension was too much for me. But moving away from people in flesh, and somehow avoiding the emotional estrangement that usually accompanies such things, is new for me. It's been easy to see how I try to lapse into animosity to try to make the pain less.
This change is something I need to do - probably the most important decision of my life. To have such an opportunity in times like these is priceless. And the sense that I'm truly desirable as an employee is completely new to me. To think that people wanted me to work for them sight unseen, only based on what my supervisors told them! It's a huge shift in my self-concept and it is going to take some time to get used to.
One thing that does make me very happy is that I was able to think about what was important to me in choosing a place to live, in choosing a social group to introduce myself to. My life is going to be completely different. But as it was told to me recently - as I think I may have just really heard for the first time - change always happens, and should be expected. Oddly enough, now that I've heard it, it doesn't seem like such a hard concept to embrace.
I don't know what I'll be saying in February, but at least for now - I'm looking forward to snow!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
My worst fear
I've heard people talk about "their worst fear" for years, without ever understanding my own. It suddenly became clear to me yesterday. It's surprising how far back it goes - grade school?
I cannot stand being left out.
The most awful feeling I can experience is when I feel like I'm outside looking in. Not being involved in a group, not being accepted, not being part of a decision-making process... it's hard to describe what acute pain it is for me. What is funny is how many times I have willingly left groups of people, when I decided they thought too much like sheep, or I felt pressured not to be myself. But that's easier to deal with - the people turn into cardboard cutouts, and it does not feel like such a loss.
But give me a situation where there is a family, a close social circle, and I'm not involved - it's very unpleasant for me. I get to wondering what's defective in my personality, start to feel like a failure at life ... it's not pretty. What I haven't figured out is just exactly what I do that gets me not involved. It could be my personality, or it could be the personalities of the people forming the close social circles. Some groups of people are so inbred that they simply don't embrace new "members." Or sometimes they want such a huge amount of commitment that I'm inherently too independent and don't ever meld in. And sometimes there is a preexisting situation that I'm not a part of, like a living situation, and there is no way for me to be involved at the level of the people who are already there.
It is this last which I have found myself in repeatedly over the last few years. But I think there are ways for me to feel more involved, or less involved. It depends on the amount of "togetherness" embraced by the group. If the people are inherently individualistic, then I will tend to relate to them as individuals and I will not be weighed down by the "groupness" as much. But where common activities are present, things that people regularly do together that I'm not a part of, I can spin myself into oblivion pondering the ramifications.
I have gotten some of the best moral support of my life from individuals. But when I feel included in a group of people, it feels redeeming in a way that little else is. I don't know if it's a weakness or not. I tell myself it's good to be able to "go it alone." But I intensely dislike the feeling that I have to go it alone.
I'm not sure how to deal with the current situation, where I feel left out most of the time. I put it out of my mind, I focus on work (where I feel very much more included than I have at most other jobs) or I focus on the few close bonds I have that don't involve being involved in a social group. But deep down inside, life feels very lonely to me, and I feel like I am missing something critical to my happiness.
I cherish the people in the world that sincerely want me as part of their worlds, no matter how far away they are. But I feel I can count these people on one hand. I wish there were more.
I cannot stand being left out.
The most awful feeling I can experience is when I feel like I'm outside looking in. Not being involved in a group, not being accepted, not being part of a decision-making process... it's hard to describe what acute pain it is for me. What is funny is how many times I have willingly left groups of people, when I decided they thought too much like sheep, or I felt pressured not to be myself. But that's easier to deal with - the people turn into cardboard cutouts, and it does not feel like such a loss.
But give me a situation where there is a family, a close social circle, and I'm not involved - it's very unpleasant for me. I get to wondering what's defective in my personality, start to feel like a failure at life ... it's not pretty. What I haven't figured out is just exactly what I do that gets me not involved. It could be my personality, or it could be the personalities of the people forming the close social circles. Some groups of people are so inbred that they simply don't embrace new "members." Or sometimes they want such a huge amount of commitment that I'm inherently too independent and don't ever meld in. And sometimes there is a preexisting situation that I'm not a part of, like a living situation, and there is no way for me to be involved at the level of the people who are already there.
It is this last which I have found myself in repeatedly over the last few years. But I think there are ways for me to feel more involved, or less involved. It depends on the amount of "togetherness" embraced by the group. If the people are inherently individualistic, then I will tend to relate to them as individuals and I will not be weighed down by the "groupness" as much. But where common activities are present, things that people regularly do together that I'm not a part of, I can spin myself into oblivion pondering the ramifications.
I have gotten some of the best moral support of my life from individuals. But when I feel included in a group of people, it feels redeeming in a way that little else is. I don't know if it's a weakness or not. I tell myself it's good to be able to "go it alone." But I intensely dislike the feeling that I have to go it alone.
I'm not sure how to deal with the current situation, where I feel left out most of the time. I put it out of my mind, I focus on work (where I feel very much more included than I have at most other jobs) or I focus on the few close bonds I have that don't involve being involved in a social group. But deep down inside, life feels very lonely to me, and I feel like I am missing something critical to my happiness.
I cherish the people in the world that sincerely want me as part of their worlds, no matter how far away they are. But I feel I can count these people on one hand. I wish there were more.
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