My worst fear

I've heard people talk about "their worst fear" for years, without ever understanding my own. It suddenly became clear to me yesterday. It's surprising how far back it goes - grade school?

I cannot stand being left out.

The most awful feeling I can experience is when I feel like I'm outside looking in. Not being involved in a group, not being accepted, not being part of a decision-making process... it's hard to describe what acute pain it is for me. What is funny is how many times I have willingly left groups of people, when I decided they thought too much like sheep, or I felt pressured not to be myself. But that's easier to deal with - the people turn into cardboard cutouts, and it does not feel like such a loss.

But give me a situation where there is a family, a close social circle, and I'm not involved - it's very unpleasant for me. I get to wondering what's defective in my personality, start to feel like a failure at life ... it's not pretty. What I haven't figured out is just exactly what I do that gets me not involved. It could be my personality, or it could be the personalities of the people forming the close social circles. Some groups of people are so inbred that they simply don't embrace new "members." Or sometimes they want such a huge amount of commitment that I'm inherently too independent and don't ever meld in. And sometimes there is a preexisting situation that I'm not a part of, like a living situation, and there is no way for me to be involved at the level of the people who are already there.

It is this last which I have found myself in repeatedly over the last few years. But I think there are ways for me to feel more involved, or less involved. It depends on the amount of "togetherness" embraced by the group. If the people are inherently individualistic, then I will tend to relate to them as individuals and I will not be weighed down by the "groupness" as much. But where common activities are present, things that people regularly do together that I'm not a part of, I can spin myself into oblivion pondering the ramifications.

I have gotten some of the best moral support of my life from individuals. But when I feel included in a group of people, it feels redeeming in a way that little else is. I don't know if it's a weakness or not. I tell myself it's good to be able to "go it alone." But I intensely dislike the feeling that I have to go it alone.

I'm not sure how to deal with the current situation, where I feel left out most of the time. I put it out of my mind, I focus on work (where I feel very much more included than I have at most other jobs) or I focus on the few close bonds I have that don't involve being involved in a social group. But deep down inside, life feels very lonely to me, and I feel like I am missing something critical to my happiness.

I cherish the people in the world that sincerely want me as part of their worlds, no matter how far away they are. But I feel I can count these people on one hand. I wish there were more.